Days 186-187: Self Discovery

"What am I doing with my life?" 

This question seems to be a common one amongst many of my friends. Part of me wonders if it's just something all younger adults go through until there are some boundaries to contain their possibilities. It just seems so common.

While I'm no longer necessarily grappling with this specific question, I am still in a time of self discovery and analysis. Living with counselors and spending time with many others mulling over questions of large life pictures seems to provoke this type of thinking (which is, at times, overthinking).

One of my counselor friends has become a specialist in inner kinetics. It's like a broken down, more specific variation of the Myers Briggs personality tempermentss and takes a combination of two dominating elements that will somehow explain the makings of an individual. (It should be noted that we all agree that these types of tests are meant more as guidelines rather than rules, and all people can identify with all traits in certain moments.)

In Myers Briggs there are 4 different identifying characteristics people "test" into:

1. Introvert or Extrovert (I or E)
2. Intuitive or Sensing (N or S)
3. Feeling or Thinking (F or T)
4. Judging or Perceiving (J or P)

My entire life, I've tested as an INTJ in Myers Briggs. More recently I tested as an INTP - the first change I've seen in quite some time, but even with a test and differing results, I've always found it best to talk with experts on the matter - as generally a test tries to compartmentalize us and as humans, it's just not possible to get it completely right. That said, I've been going through this breakdown with my counselor friend, David. (His name includes a link to his counseling website in case you're in the Denver Metro area and want to gain some insight on your own inner workings.)

As we met today I felt myself becoming anxious because I don't like how these tests try to put us in boxes, but through some discussion, we concluded that I'm still a J - which doesn't really mean I'm judgmental but one of the big differences between someone who harbors the J is that they like to make a decision and move on - they don't like the decision making process.  I absolutely hate the decision making process, but I understand that sometimes, like right now, I'm in a season of making decisions.  People who have the perceiving side are okay with things being open ended, something of which I'm not particularly fond.

It was good to talk through this, because obviously the test had taken me as something else. Furthermore, it was good to talk through all of the different areas because we started toying with the idea that perhaps I'm more sensing than intuitive. As we read about the different "temperaments" of people, he encouraged me to sit with a new prospect of being ISTJ. I won't get into too many details, but many things that experts have said regarding this temperament are actually quite fitting for me.

I'm in a place of transition and that certainly affects how I'm feeling in relation to things of this nature, but I'm so thankful for my friends to help me sort through the chaos in my mind.  No test can truly tell someone who they are - or what they are meant to do - but it will always fascinate me to discover more about myself and why I am the way I am.

If you want to take a quick Myers Briggs test for yourself:

The Test

Days 177-185: Life

Well... quite honestly, life has been wild, unpredictable, and fulfilling the last week.  I've experienced both highs and lows, but I do believe that is what life is all about. Experience, discovery, learning, and pursuit. Leading to an even more ultimate life, I had concluded a while back that I wanted to leave people feeling empowered and positively impacted by me - whether in passing or in more frequent contact.

I also just want to live. After watching Mr. Nobody and pursuing impacting quotes from the movie, one that kept turning up was this:

"I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid I haven't been alive enough."  

To live is to experience all aspects of life - and with that, I do feel like we will go through a variety of emotions and feelings.  Overall, my life is content.  I feel I've found (read: heard) my calling - which is so much more than can be said for most of my peers. 

The past weeks have included breakfasts, cooking, exercise, children, soccer, new friends, forgiveness,  affirmation, music, and accomplishment.  All things I love. Thrown into the mix there have been moments of disappointment, frustration, annoyance, anxiety, and doubt. This is life.

I will choose to embrace all of the many elements.

Days 174-176: Adventure Weekends & Rafting

One thing I love about Colorado is the access to a plethora of mountain towns - many within a few hours drive. 

Salida, CO is a little, artsy town where a couple of my best friends from college grew up. Each year for the past few years they've returned to Colorado for occasions and I've driven out to be with them - and loved this town. The Arkansas River runs through it and provides a great atmosphere for restaurants and pubs along the river. It's also home to the annual river boating festival FIBArk (First In Boating on the Arkansas).

This year some friends of mine wanted to go out to FIBArk and partake in the festivities and knowing my enjoyment of Salida and also having seen various pictures or comments relating to FIBArk, I thought it was a great opportunity. A car full of ladies packed up and drove out to Salida where we became immersed in the river boating community - free style kayaking, rafting, river paddle boarding, and people just enjoying being out in the mountains, the energy and excitement were strong.

We spent our first night dancing, the next day we watched a parade, races and just enjoyed the quaint restaurants of Salida, on the final day we went rafting. Not only did we go rafting, but we went rafting for all of $9 each.

One of our friend's fathers was once a raft guide and because of this, we were able to just rent a raft and allow him to guide us down the Arkansas. I believe it was Browns Canyon that we went through - which was full of rapids and took about 4 hours to get through.

It was absolutely incredible to be at the front of the raft taking the water head on. As we would crash into rapids the water would cover me and whoever else was fortunate enough to be in its wake and within minutes I would be dry once again. Between the mountains and on the water - two of my favorite things - it was glorious.

Only on a couple of occasions did I feel as though I might fall out of the raft or that the rapids were a little insane, but those were also the moments of absolute thrill and triumph.

The weekend was rejuvenating and even in reminiscing I feel refreshed all over again.  Something about being with the earth and experiencing the creation is magnificent.  I adore it.

Day 173: The World Cup

I love soccer. My brother played while growing up and I wanted to do everything my brother did, so I played. He was even my coach at one point (looking back on this, I wonder how old he was when he was "coaching" us and how that was even allowed). Anyway, eventually it was only my brother playing soccer and we went on family trips on a weekly basis to his soccer games all over the state.

Perhaps it was just being around the sport, but I grew to be quite attracted to men with soccer physique, so when high school hit I slyly signed up to be the manager of the Men's Varsity Soccer Team. I was excused from my classes to go on trips with the team and be in close proximity to the guys I thought were so cute.

That said, it should come as no surprise that I love the World Cup - and I love that people actually gather to watch soccer during it.  It's like the Olympics, it's a large worldwide event that unites us all if even for a moment in time.

Day 173 marked the beginning of Brazil's World Cup and regretfully being behind on the blog posts, it's now been going for a while. Some wild games, some crazy plays, and, most importantly, a lot of attractive men. (I'm kidding. Mostly. But they are good looking guys!)

Day 172: Mr. Nobody

Movies are always hit or miss for me, but when I was younger I had a love for the philosophical, deep, artistic and creatively cinematic movies. I loved movies that provoked thought and emotion beyond the surface. I rarely cried, so I would often use these movies as an excuse to cry and contemplate life and all of its complexities.

When my roommates started watching Mr. Nobody I dismissed it but didn't really have much else to do, so I opted to watch with them. Pleasantly surprised, this movie was one to play with the mind, present thoughtful ideas, and have a deeper impact than most mindless movies people may opt to watch these days.

The first line to catch my attention, "How can you be so sure you actually exist?" reflected on the fact we see others existing around us but we don't see ourselves from their perspective. Existentialism has always, and probably always will, been a great fascination for me - and perhaps a philosophy to which I truly closely relate. That would be a blog post in itself, or perhaps even a conversation to discuss how one can be both an existentialist and a Christian, so I will stop from getting too deep with it right now.  Nonetheless, this is the line that drew me in.

Going forward I will simply say there will likely be some spoilers regarding the movie, so if you haven't seen it yet, then I will say I recommend watching it. You may hate it, but that's the beauty of free thinking, we can choose what we like and don't like.

In the movie Mr. Nobody is presented early on with a choice between three young girls. He comments, "As long as you don't choose, everything remains possible."  In this regard, he experiences different paths with each of the girls. Following each of the paths, he has more choices to make and continues to not make those choices - keeping everything as a possibility. This element of the movie is what demands attention in order to have understand, but this element of the movie is also incredibly thought provoking and perhaps the concept that continue to pull me in.

As the movie reflects on the life of Mr. Nobody and all of his potential paths, he is eventually posed the question that the entire audience has been considering, "Which path is the right path?"

Mr. Nobody, then responds with this little nugget of wisdom that, "Every path is the right path." Through the entirety of the movie, I reflected on my own choices and decisions I will make regarding the future. I was presented with three different options, and unfortunately reality forces me to choose something - whether it's one of the three options, something different, or choosing to simply not choose.

We saw in the three paths of his life that each path ended differently - with struggles and triumphs, and ultimately, he could have chosen any of the three. I will not spoil which one we all believed he SHOULD have chosen, but it was a good reminder for me that any of the three options I pick will have its share of good and bad - but that all paths are "right" in some sense.

Believing my life is guided by a Divine Being also reassures me that whatever path I take will be useful and prosperous as long as I am continuing to listen and watch for God's cues in my life.  It ultimately doesn't help me with the decision, but it was a fantastic movie full of wise words for someone faced with options from which to choose.

And one last quote...

Days 169-171: Kids, Endurance, Open Conversations

Upon returning to Colorado after my trip, I was met with more scheduled happenings in my life. I enjoyed being met with one of my several new friends at the airport, having a great conversation with her over dinner and opening up about some of my recent life happenings.

It's a good friendship when open honesty seems both welcome and safe - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have met some folks with whom this is a reality.

I was called at the last minute to take care of several families children during a meeting, and because I like being dependable, I left conferences and other plans to help with this need. The way children think and interact fascinates me to no end and I found myself in a night of wonder and magic. From the memorized songs and choreography from Frozen, to the minute a child started crying only to be laughing within the following seconds, I could join them in their world or observe and consider what their world really looks like.

Looking back on my own childhood, I recall it to be full of adventures that I created in my own mind. Running outside on the hills with my dog, making "tacos" using leaves and different colors of dirt, memorizing all of the words to soundtracks that we had. I mostly remember the fun times - and all of the stories I'm told of myself are also imaginative and fun.

To join in for a night was a blessing and to be the reliable person to show up at the last minute was also a happy moment for my day.

In all of these days and seeing my schedule explode, I realized my thankfulness for my time management skills and ability to endure through events and daily life.  My introversion will frequently offset my capacity to spend more time with people and at events, but somehow I've developed endurance over the years - and it made those days that much more enjoyable.

Days 166-168: Flying, New Friends, Gifts

Following my revelation, I left on a trip to Tucson, AZ.  I was gifted the flights by another person in the ministry and was able to attend a regional conference.

I adore flying, I know I've said it before, but it's still true.

I think I'll always love it. I do find it fascinating when I hear people express their fears of planes - and when I really think about it, I get it. It's very bizarre that we have a large, heavy vehicle that can be powered into the sky full of people and other items and proceed to stay in the sky for hours on end. 

Tucson was really gorgeous - I've never been there before, but I really just couldn't help but marvel at the beauty. I was able to mull over some of my decisions and develop some big questions for myself as I start taking steps forward - and in the midst of that, I made some new friends.

It seems I've made a lot of new friends recently and I really do enjoy it. Sometimes humanity just seems hopeless and I question whether someone will truly be there for me the next day or not. This is, in fact, one thing that propels my relationship with God further forward and works to deepen my faith.  I occasionally thank humanity for their failures for this reason, but in truth, I would love to feel I could depend on someone. The new friends I made in Tucson will, of course, be at a distance from me but I'm glad to have had the opportunity to interact with them even if only for a few days for the time being.

What a fantastic gift I was given to be able to take this trip.

Days 164-165: Feeling Peace

Being faced with a multitude of decisions over life can become daunting and paralyzing - at least it becomes so for me.

As I've been back in Colorado I've felt a sense of loss in my purpose and place in the world - I know I have gifts to offer but just wasn't really finding a place to offer them. Never in my life have I been turned down for jobs that were perfect for me - some might blame the economy or say I was over-qualified for jobs to which I was applying, but I truly believe it was more than that.

As the doors were closing in my face there was one door continuously being presented as open - a door into the world of college campus ministry.  If it wasn't ever presented clear enough in my previous posts, my faith is a big part of my life and in the past I worked with a college ministry.  I loved it, but I left it one key reason: I didn't want to raise my own income with support from others.

Doors closing, and this one still being open and seeming to beckon me at every chance it got, I took a day to just consider the prospect of recommitting to this ministry. After discussions with people who showed great support in the decision to go back to it, I prayed and in my prayers I sobbed. I told God that if He really wanted me to work in this ministry then I would submit to the support raising.  At this point, I felt an overwhelming amount of peace.  Not only did I feel peace I haven't felt in quite some time, but as I expressed this decision to others I was met with excitement and affirmation beyond that which I could have imagined.

From the e-mails of celebration on my decision, to the folks jumping up and down in joy that I would be rejoining their mission...  Peace.

And what a great thing.  Even as I talk with my peers and others in their twenties - we all go through the question of what we are supposed to be doing and where we are supposed to be.  (At least most of us.)  I am happy and content to say that I now know and understand what I'm meant to do.

Days 160-163: New Friends, Nature's Wonders

The day following the concert at Red Rocks I woke up to a random stranger in my house.  Not a roommate, but I assumed he was associated with one of my many roommates - and sure enough when he introduced himself, I'd heard his name on several occasions.

We talked a bit, ate breakfast, celebrated me paying off my last student loan, and somehow started talking about music. When something is a part of your life, it comes up... so in our talks of music I learned he was a guitarist and has a couple of CD's. After listening to 30 seconds of one song I was convinced I would probably enjoy jamming with him - and he shared the hope.

I moved a weekend adventure departure to the following morning and we went and jammed with another friend of his for the night. I just love making new friends that are both encouraging and understanding of me in various facets. This new friend has proven to be both - and in the last month I've only seen him twice.

The following morning a roommate and I left for the Sand Dunes in Colorado. It's just as bizarre as it sounds... but there is a national park in Colorado where there are wondrous Sand Dunes formed within the mountains of Colorado.

We spent the first night of being there walking through the magnificent little river at the bottom of the dunes - created by melting snow from the winter.  The water was warmed by the sun and cooled as the night when forward. Only a few inches deep the entire length of the river, but there are surges in the water that make it seem like the waves coming ashore at the ocean.  

According to the website:

Medano Creek and Sand Creek are unusual in another way. This is one of the few places in the world where one can experience surge flow, a stream flowing in rhythmic waves on sand. Three elements are needed to produce the phenomenon: a relatively steep gradient to give the stream a high velocity; a smooth, mobile creekbed with little resistance; and sufficient water to create surges. In spring and early summer, these elements combine to make waves at Great Sand Dunes. As water flows across sand, sand dams or antidunes form on the creekbed, gathering water. When the water pressure is too great, the dams break, sending down a wave about every 20 seconds. In wet years, waves can surge up to a foot high!

This is what we experienced, for sure... and it was marvelous. Looking down I felt as though I was on the beach and could not comprehend that I was still in the land locked state of Colorado.

The following days we rode our bikes in the scorching heat, took pictures on the dunes, rolled down the sandy hills, hiked up to waterfalls and just enjoyed nature - all while still camping in a forested area next to green mountains.  Incredible.

On the last day we hiked the dunes - and there are named peaks although it seems the wind likely changes the formation of these dunes on a regular basis.  We hiked to High Dune - taking a rigorous path in the blazing sun, we made it up our endless stair climber where we were told that people must touch the stick in order to officially make it to the top.

It was an unexpected adventure for me, but I'm so thankful for my roommate's desire to visit this anomaly and take me with her. I am still in awe that this place exists and will likely visit again in the future when missing sandy beaches.  What a fantastic creation.

Day 159: Concerts at Red Rocks Amphitheater

I first went to Red Rocks Amphitheater last summer for a series called, "Film on the Rocks." They were showing movies in this giant venue and thousands of people were showing up to watch them all together.  It was rather incredible, as we watched The Princess Bride and hundreds of people quoted the movie together, broke into uproarious laughter, and enjoyed this classic movie out in a gorgeous, natural creation.

I made it a goal to go back to this place for a concert after I missed the Mumford and Sons concert there in 2013. It's odd that it would be such a big regret, but I honestly had no idea that this venue was as spectacular as it is.

I was finally presented with an opportunity to see several bands I love with a friend of mine with whom I used to attend concerts in college. Earlier in the day I'd heard it was going to rain and it put me in a sad mood since I'd been looking forward to this concert. Upon arriving we were escorted to the upper parking lot (luck, I say) and found our way up to our seats.

American Authors, The Script, One Republic... none disappointing. It did not rain. It was the magic I believed it would be... I felt high from the atmosphere and performance. I cannot deny that this could easily become an addiction at the level of joy it delivered to my soul.

P.S.  Many apologies for the sudden lack of posts. The joys and lessons of life just picked up in a way I did not anticipate. I will be posting on some of my adventures in bulk days - as I went on several day excursions over the last month.